"Testing....1,2...." Dreams within Dreams

What a strange dream!  And yet it seemed to hold lessons for me.

I was in a classroom, and we had huge exhibits set up in front of us, rather like a museum.  We were taking a test, a final of sorts.  The questions were in essay form, and they did not seem to fit what we had read and been taught.  They were exploring a new level of our knowledge.  It seemed the most important thing was to be able to find links, progressions, in the objects in front of us. The test ultimately seemed to be about what we could observe and how we could connect the parts insightfully and creatively.  I wrote at great length for the first question, not realizing that there were two more to come.  And so of course, I came under time constraints.  That seemed to be the next test:  Could I stay calm and clear-headed in the face of the brevity of time left to me?  There were also questions about the color/tone of the objects (sort of an emotional knowledge or understanding).  I was fairly panicked about the time element---trying to figure out if there was a way that I could somehow extend it.  Then it started to dawn on me that I could simply walk away because this was just a dream.  No consequences to be exacted because I had not completed the test.  My life was elsewhere. 

I awakened with relief, only to start facing the tests of my day ahead.  Could I make sense of the questions posed----they didn’t necessarily relate to my orderly idea of the material I should be tested on.  The important part seemed to be what I could observe and how I could insightfully and creatively respond to every situation.  Could I help connect the disparate parts in some meaningful way?  Also working within time constraints----could I remain calm and clear-headed?  Could I understand the emotions of those around me? Could I even ultimately be okay not answering all the needs and questions posed to me, knowing that my fuller life is actually elsewhere?

Dreams within dreams.....how many layers to this great adventure of life?

Windows on Winter Solstice

It is December 21 today, Winter Solstice, and we are having our exterior windows cleaned at this very moment.  This seems a fitting thing to do, letting as much light in as possible on this darkest of days! 

I like this metaphor on several levels.  First of all, it is wonderful to recognize that we can receive the help that we need in getting the light through.  I am grateful to the man who is making this possible.  I also know that we will need to do the cleaning on the interior side--again, a most fitting metaphor as we are responsible for clearing away the dust and debris that clouds our vision from inside ourselves. 

And the source!   God gives us the light, generously, faithfully.... Sometimes it seems less than we desire, but daily it is replenished, and seasons wax and wane and circle ‘round.  People through history  have recognized the importance of welcoming the turning back towards the light. Winter solstice has been celebrated with gatherings of song and feasting throughout the ages.  How fitting that Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus at this time of year----His presence brings light into our darkness and hope for the days to come.

May you all see with brightness and clarity through this season and beyond!

Wow!  I can blog again! Several months ago,  I created a new website: www.gailspeckmann.com, but somehow in the process my blog connection disappeared.  I created the website through iWeb on my Apple, and I love how it turned out in every other way except for this frustration.  There are now over 100 prints available on my website, along with the originals. And I will be able to keep it updated myself----very empowering!  I think I'll go ahead and try to publish this to make sure it is working....

New

New Blog

Farewell to Stewart, our Beloved Collie

Yesterday we had to say our sad good-byes to our Stewart.  She was 12 years old and has brightened our lives with her loving spirit since the moment we adopted her just before her 1st birthday.  Here is a true story I wrote about her from a year ago---offered as a small tribute to her.

STEWART’S BIG ADVENTURE

Stewart, our 11-year old female collie, has slowed down quite a bit in the past few months. So a week ago we started her on a daily regimen, including ascription, glucosamine/chondroitin and fish oil. She has perked up considerably since then and has taken to re-asserting herself over Tinker , our 1 ½ year old collie) as the “alpha dog”.



A few days ago Stewart and Tinker traveled with Rick and me to the lake cabin of good friends. They kindly lent us the use of their cabin while I was in Door County teaching a painting workshop. We put up flags in the yard to remind the dogs of their running space (as we have done with the “invisible fence” in our yard at home). Tinker surprised us by being very cautious and circumspect about not crossing the boundary. Stewart seemed somewhat oblivious to the border and wandered in and out, though never too far.



Yesterday morning as Rick was loading the car, and I was inside finishing the packing and tidying, Stewart took off through the woods. It was extremely windy, and the waves crashing on the shore drowned out all but the nearest sounds, and, from a dog’s perspective, also scattered all scents to the wind.



Rick and I began a 2 ½ hour search for Stewart through the deep woods and along the roadside. We became acquainted with neighbors all up and down the line. Lovely, generous people, who stopped to help us search. Sightings were reported, eventually from both sides of our cottage location. Stewart, though a very friendly dog by nature, was afraid to approach the strangers with their offerings of food. Rick and I called, we whistled, offered “car ride!” with excited voices, promised fabulous treats. These were to no avail, but eventually through helpful reports, we were able to find her. In the end, we figure that she covered over 3 miles---this from the dog who typically has preferred a prone position! It was undoubtedly the biggest adventure of her life!



All I know is that I’m going to start taking what Stewart is taking. Perhaps you’ll spot me, a woman with silvering hair, running through the woods. Alongside the road in a car drively slowly with windows rolled down, Rick will be calling, “Come home, Gail….Come home!

Morning Meditation A Prayer for the Coming Night

Morning Meditation

A Prayer for the Coming Night

The sunlight streams through my window;

The flame of my prayer candle reaches up in recognition to the sun.

The relationship is blest.

The great light from the sky...

My small light from the earth....

I am answering, yes, I am answering,

And I am saying YES!

There are windows everywhere;

There are candles lit in holy anticipation.

The great light generously pouring in through every open window....

The small, hopeful lights of the earth, rising in recognition...

We are answering, yes we are answering,

And we are saying YES!

O Great Light,

Illumine our paths to find each other.

Help us join our small earth candles

To create an amazing bonfire!

A bonfire to illumine dark earth through the long night

When the world has turned its face away

From your embracing light.

We are answering, yes, that we will be bearers of that fire,

And we are shouting, "YES"!

Gail Speckmann

May 18, 2010

The Ones that Show Up...

Each spring I have tulips that come up in my hosta hill on the side of the house.  These tulips are “volunteers”.  Nothing grows very readily in our wooded lot other than shade-loving plants.  Certainly, I have never had success with tulips, which are perhaps my favorite flower.  I am especially fond of the simple yellow tulips with black centers, and have painted them a number of times when I have purchased pots of them in early spring.  After they are done blooming, the contents are dropped onto my hosta hill, to enrich the soil.  (“Hot-house” or “forced” bulbs are not supposed to be able to re-bloom.  Too much energy is used to get them to bloom in an unnatural cycle.  So I make no effort to re-plant).

I was surprised a few years ago when a tulip plant showed up in my hosta hill and bloomed.  It was of my favorite yellow variety! Now this plant now comes up faithfully and blooms every spring.  This year, I was surprised to see the bulb had split into two plants, each bearing a bright yellow “cup”.  And several feet away, another tulip of the same variety also has shown up and is blooming!

Years ago, I decided on a gardening policy which has served me well each spring.  I welcome back and rejoice over the plants that made it through the winter.  I try not to dwell on which ones might not have come back.  That had tended to make me feel disappointed in my gardening skills (which are pretty laissez faire at best), or even a little bitter, as if I felt that plants had somehow let me down by not showing up for the "attendance count".

This weekend and last I held my annual art show in our home.  There is a tremendous amount of love and effort that go into the paintings created, but also into the preparation for the show.  My husband, Rick, is equally committed to the process.  Many, many invitations are sent out.  There is much anticipation on our part as to who will come.  We truly welcome anyone who is interested.  Though we obviously need to have some buyers, we do not want people to feel pressure in that regard.  It is a gift that we want to share with friends and family, and with new friends we may not yet know.

Last weekend, the weather could hardly have been any nicer.  After a long winter, of course, people are yearning to be outdoors.  People’s lives are very full, very busy, and many people are very concerned about not spending additional money right now.  Attendance for my art show throughout the weekend was fairly light, though it had a pleasant flow, with plenty of time to visit with people that wished to linger.  During this past week we also had groups in (great week for me to take my turn at hosting events---the house is clean; the paintings are hung…).  And we were among the most delighted when we heard that rain was forecast for this past Saturday, my last day of open house.  Once again... light attendance, but wonderful people and visits.  But, all told, the show itself was a fair enough financial success.

It is difficult not to think about who did not come, especially those on our invitation list who have not attended year after year.  My husband starts counting who has not come, but like the missing plants of my garden, I choose not to dwell on this.   

Of course, the light attendance and failure to respond also gives me cause to reflect on the various gracious invitations I have received during the year, to which I have not been less than responsive.  It provides a good opportunity for me to become more sensitive to what others have to offer.  I also see numerous friends putting together wonderful programs and becoming discouraged about how hard it is to find participants.  And my artist friends bemoan the fact that so little of their work sells.

My tendency becomes wanting to show up for everyone and everything, knowing how hard people work and their need to feel supported. I also recognize that there are often times when I miss appointments, run late, and let people down....  “over-extending” has its down side too. I have come, the hard way, to the realization that everything does not “fit” for everybody and that we need to be okay with that.  A good connection needs to be good for both parties; to pretend otherwise simply becomes a burden. 

Yet I have also concluded that it is still very important for us to really “see” and appreciate each other.  We need to recognize each others' gifts, but only tie in more closely with them when they are a good fit for us too.  But, we can all help those that we know by directing other people to them, those who might actually be a good or even great fit!  However, we will never know how to do this, if we do not first learn to appreciate each other.

So I choose to be thankful for the connections that were made this year during my art show.  The people that took the time and effort to come, the ones that ask how things went if they were not able to attend….all of this is noticed, and it helps inspire me to continue on my path.  Though I would love to have more of my friends come to see what I am doing, I bless them on their way, knowing that they have their own activities and needs…. that time pressures are real.  And the offer of whatever gift I may bring to them remains open, whenever they might like to receive it.

Love and gratitude….I can’t help but wonder if, at some mysterious level, those yellow tulips came to bloom in my garden because they know how much I appreciate them….